FINALLY OVER!!!!!!

As some, but not all of you know, there has been an ongoing lawsuit against my in-laws's homeowners insurance as a result of Devon's death. I did NOT start it, and only joined in because Mom(that's Dan's mom) made me. But it's finally all over. After months of arguing and soul searching and deciding if I even wanted to pursue this, I talked to an attourney. His name is Byrl Lane, and he's awesome, if you're ever in the market. It was a challenge to get through, because the lawyer that Joel (to be refered to in the future as butt faced jerk meanie loser terrible person) (or maybe just the jerk for short) hired was as terrrible as the jerk himself. (notice the three r's in terrrible, it's on purpose to show how bad his is, and also notice that the jerk is not capitalized as a proper noun should be---that's to show there's nothing proper about him!) He wrote mean, snarky letters to Sara and Justin to get them to drop the suit, and then to me, but I didn't give in. Maybe it's because I'm just so dang stubborn, and maybe it's because I didn't want to let him have it all, and maybe I just wanted to win against him. But mostly I did it because the letter said awful things about me, about Dan, about my fitness as a mother, and about the people I love. And to me, giving it up right then would be like me saying "you're right, I never thought of it that way. I really am a terrible person and I was an unfit mother. Please forgive me for wasting your time." Also it seemed so unjust that the jerk would profit from my son's death in multiple ways (did anyone hear about the "memorial fund" the Selvey's set up---cause I heard them telling people about it, but I have no clue what happened with it); and yet accecpt no finacial responsibity. He never even paid his half of the final expenses, or the medical bills.
Well, although the letter I got from the jerk and his lawyer said they were-"insulted and repulsed by the idea that Rachel and Dan Anderson would somehow profit by their gross negligence in the care for this innocent child...(and) If (Rachel) seeks fo recover funds from the homeowners' policy, (the jerk) will never agree to it. Litigation will be necessary."-yesterday we had a mediation session, at their request.
So, here's how my day yesterday went:
I woke up at about 11:00, wandered into the living room and kissed Danny on the forehead. I asked him if he had a minute and if we could go into the bedroom...wink wink, nudge nudge. Just kidding, this is a family friendly blog. Strike the wink wink, nudge nudge. And being the wonderful and thoughtful husband that he is, I didn't even have to ask him for a blessing, he just kissed me on the top of my head and asked if I was ready. Then came the fun task of wardrobe and hair. Unfortunatly I had misplaced my copy of Miss Manners' ettiquitte, so I was on my own to determine what one wears to the mediation of a wrongful death suit for their son. I finally settled on a long black skirt with a button up shirt. And this is important, because.....
11:30 am-I got on my trusty bicycle-remember my wardrobe selection?-and headed to the Lines home because my generous, magnanamous, wonderfuly gracious sister and brother-in-law had agreed to let me borrow their car to get to Bethany Home and Central.
By 1:30 I'm lost and running late. But I finally get there, and the mediator calls just the attourneys in. So I get to kill a lovely 45 min sitting at a table in a different room than the jerk, but positioned so that he is directly in my line of sight. And I have to say it even though it shows what a small and spiteful person I am. But he looked like a gas station attendant. Not like a clerk inside, but like the guy who spits his chewing tobacco and asks if he can clean your windshield while he's filling your tank. First of all, he wore a black biker-looking jacket with a ball cap and a short sleeved shirt. And he had let his hair grow to about shoulder length, so it has a bit of a redneck perm look going, and to top it all off; he has grown his goatee out to about 2 1/2 to 3 inches long and it's stringy and greasy looking. Actually I do kind of feel better.
Long story short, it took three and a half hours for his lawyer and the mediatior to talk sense into him, and only about 15 min for my lawyer and I to decide the minimum we would accecpt. Let's just say, the jerk made his true personality known to all-including his lawyer who admitted to having a "client control" problem. And at one point either he or his atourney admitted that he was being such an insufferable pain to hurt me. He did end up with a slightly larger settlement than I did, but it was never about money to me. That's one of the reasons I set what I would settle for and never changed it, I was absolutly unwilling to haggle and set a price for my son's life. Regardless of who gets what and how much, it will never be equal to the value of my son's life.
It's kind of intersting, but when I went in for the divorce and custody procedings, I got a blessing right before. And I was told that "Heavenly Father knows the righteous desires of your heart and wants Devon to be with you as a part of your new family" I was disappointed that day that I didn't get full custody and everything else I had asked for, but it ended up happening in a way I would never have expected. Danny and Devon and I get to be sealed together as an eternal family this summer. Devon will be a part of my new family. And another kinda funny coincidence Danny pointed out to me after it was all done is that when we started seeing each other again, and he got to know and love Devon, he actually asked if I thought the jerk would take money to renounce his parental rights so Danny could have Devon. And today that's kind of what he did. He will get a check in the mail, and that is his buy-out price for Devon. But Danny and I get to see him again. We will get to hold him again, and hear him call us Mom-ee and Dad. I guess it just goes to show that the Lord works in mysterious ways.
I know this post has gone on forver, but bear with me, I'm almost done. I want to share with everyone that I KNOW that there is a plan, and that trials and heartache are for a reason. And I believe that in the Spirit World before we come to Earth we choose some of the trial that we will go through. I can picture myself saying, I can handle that, I'll do it; not realizing how difficult it really would be. I do that now. And I wonder if Devon and Emma are in Heaven right now saying "come on, we talked about this and we agreed to go through this, don't you remember? Don't cry we're ok. Come on, you can do it" Actually in that scenario I picture Devon kind of frustrated because he can't put his arms around us and hug us and protect us like he wants to. He was little, but he was a protector and guardian to those he loved. And I can see Emma reminding him that we can't remeber because of the veil. And in her little Emma way trying to console him, just like she did when he was in time-out.
I know that one day I will see my son again, and that day will be so sweet to me because I miss him, but also because I know at that time I'll have my whole family together forever. I know that if we live righteously and obey the sommandments we will have our reward. Think about what a blessing that is. No matter what, as long as we all live worthily, we will be able to be with the ones we lvoe forever, and nothing can separate us, except our choices.
I know that missionaries are extrodinary, and really really smart. We had the sisters over for dinner Saturday and they challenged Danny, me, Suzanne and Ryan to pray to find out one thing Heavenly Father wants us to do so that we can be more happy. I thought I knew what my answer would be, so I didn't even ask, I just started doing it. But I realized that while praying more often would make me happier, it wasn't the simple thing that would bring me joy and peace. Forgiveness. I'm not willing to name any names, but there was a person who in my heart I felt anger and resentment towards. And yesterday afternoon, as the mediation went on and finally ended I realized that I had nothing to be angry about. And that time is short, life is precious. And there's no sense wasting it being angry and hate-filled. Today I finally let go of that and I felt a literal weight being lifted from me.
That's not quite it actually, it was like the weight was a blanket, covering every part of me. Or like a second skin I was wearing that was weighing me down. So my preachy message for today is forgive, and let go. In the end, you're not hurting the person you're mad at nearly as much as you're hurting yourself. And on that note, I think it's way past time I went to bed, since I'll be in way more trouble than I already am if I'm still up in 10 min when Danny wakes up.