realizations

ok, so out of nowhere this thought just hit me. Devon was 2 when we left Joel. Nate is almost a year and a half old. That means that he is getting close to the same age/size Devon was when we left. The reason that's significant is because Joel wouldn't give me any of Devon's old baby things. So I don't have his first blankie or tiny onesies and things like that. The things of Devon's that I have start at age 2 for him. So I haven't had to go through the Devon boxes that have spent the last 3 years in storage. All of a sudden this realization hit me like a train...like a train filled with a ton of bricks. And as I type this, I made another realization. On May 1 there will be a whole new suck-tastick landmark. As of May 1 Devon will have been dead for longer than he was alive. He lived for 3 years and 12 days....and May 1 is 3 years and 13 days from the accident. Oh my gosh. Wow. My chest hurts. My chest literally hurts as I sit here thinking about this. I miss my little man. I miss him and my heart hurts, and it reaches down to the bottom of my soul and tries to rip it out of me. Why? Why is my heart beating-albeit painfully;but beating nonetheless-when my sweet little boy's heart stopped almost 3 years ago? I haven't hit this hard in a long, long time. Wow, I thought I was better. That it was still going to hurt, but that I was past the: chest hurting, paralyzing, bawl my eyes out, curl up in the fetal position in the shower and sob til the scalding water turns to ice and eventually numbs me-type pain. I am the mother of two boys. Two very sweet, very active, very accident-prone, bumped and bruised boys who love me and their Daddy and Princess the dog. So why do I have one sleeping child and one fading memory? Why do I have one child I can hold and kiss and a picture on the wall? This sucks and it hurts, and I can't do this. This is one of the nights that I haven't had in such a long time. One that in my vanity I thought I was past. It's times like this, when I'm bawling my eyes out--and trying not to let the stream of snot running down my face touch my lips--times like this when I almost begin to listen to the dark little voice. The one that asks why? Why this? Why me? The one that plants doubts. Is it all real? Do I really get to have him again? Is there really a loving Heavenly Father? And if so, why did He decide this had to happen? Why? Is he really doing work on the other side? Is that just a fantasy I tell myself to get through the day? The dark little voice asks what's the point? And is any of it Truth? Sometimes, when I'm feeling a little strength, I think of prayer. But the dark little voice asks why? why pray? The dark little voice says there's no point. There's no God. And even if there is, He doesn't care. Besides, what good will it do? Devon will still be gone, it will still suck, it will still hurt. And if I do feel better, isn't is just me deluding myself? as the shrink said, just bargaining...making myself believe that I can be a good enough person and then have Devon with me again?
Then I take a step back. I go and blow my nose, and wash my face. And think about how empty my life would be if the dark little voice is right. And I think about how I felt in the Temple when Dan and I were being sealed. I was pregnant with Nate, and he was going nuts. He was moving around so much the whole day. Before he was even born, he was a spirit, a sweet little spirit who was excited and happy that his parents were going to the Temple. We were Sealed as man and wife, for time and all eternity. Then, we were Sealed as a family with Devon. And I know that at that time, my sweet boy was there. Both my boys were in that Sealing room, and both of their Spirits were so happy. I had an experience that day. As I was in the Bride's suite, waiting, for the first time I understood. Without his death, Devon would not have been Sealed to Dan and me. There is NO way Joel would have given his permission. There was a purpose. The day that I went into court for the custody part of our divorce, I received a Priesthood Blessing. I was told that "Heavenly Father knows the righteous desires of your heart and wants Devon to be a part of your new family" The purpose of his death was to bring him into my forever family. It's the only way it was going to be possible. On that day I had a conversation with my Father in Heaven. I remember telling Him that I understood, but I still didn't like it. Like a bratty child, I told Him that I was glad that Devon could be mine forever, but that I still was mad at Him for taking him. And do you know what He did? He gave me a big hug and a feeling of peace-it didn't take away the pain, but did lessen the sting-and he gave me one of the most powerful spiritual experiences I have ever had. Kneeling in the Sealing Room I looked up at Dan and I didn't just see the representation of infinity, eternity. I saw my family. I have given birth to 2 sons, but I saw my daughter's face.
And as I look back and reflect on the brightness and light, the dark little voice goes away. Doubt cannot stand up to the light of knowledge or the bright shinning light of faith. Yes, there is a reason. Yes, there is a purpose. No, it doesn't automatically make everything all better. It does still suck. I still miss Devon, and he is still gone. And sometimes I'm still that bratty girl telling her Father that she understands it's all for the best, but she isn't going to say thanks b/c it sucks, and it's not fair. Luckily, although I am that bratty girl, I can get away with it because I have a Heavenly Father who loves me no matter what. And the pressure and chest pain is gone now. I can breathe. Ok, the pressure may not be totally gone, but the snot trail is. And the sobbing is done, and I'm not currently curled up, shivering in the shower. So I think I'm in a much better place than I was an hour ago. And that's the power of faith. I truly pity anyone who tries to go through this life without it!