ONE WHOLE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today, as of about 7:15pm Danny and I will have been married for ONE WHOLE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I think back to what that day was like, it amazes me that we got it all done. There was the frenzied phone calls asking what everyone was doing that night, the buying of a dress, cake, snacky desserty foods, and flowers. And as I think back I am so so very grateful to my wonderful in-laws. Mom, Kami, Sara and I went out in search of a white dress. I ended up choosing a plain, but pretty Temple dress in hopes of wearing it to the Sealing. But with just less than a month to go, it's pretty obvious that I'm getting pretty pregnant, so I think that's not going to happen. (actually I tried it on about a week ago, and it's so snug in the midsection that you can actually see where the indentation for my belly button is!) After a crazy hectic morning and afternoon, Sara, Mom and Kami dropped me off to get my nails done and took care of everything else. I was so surprised at everything they had done when I finally saw the church. I just want to say that I had nothing to do with the tables and decorations, and flowers that night. They got in touch with some ward members, (I think Sister Bushman actually is a wedding planner, and Sister Thorton is a professional photographer) and set everything up while Kami was holed up in a tiny room wrapping bouquets. Meanwhile I was taking advantage of Cristi's vast knowledge/talents hair and make-up wise (again, almost no contribution on my part, Cristi's just that awesome) while my sister ran around in my car ferrying Dan around and picking up stuff from the Lines family home. And buying a really cool yellow dress at the last moment.
Since then, Dan and I have had an interesting first year of marriage. We did tons of really neat stuff like our trip to women's conference last year, and the Anderkin family reunion, and visiting Dad in Illinois for his 50th birthday. We adjusted to each other's living habits and sleep schedules. I relearned what kinds of foods will and will not be received well-and what is expected to be in the pantry at any given moment. (like mac 'n cheese-I never get it, but to Dan the idea of having none in the house is crazy) We've had fights, we've had fun, and all in all, we've grown a LOT over the past year. And now we're getting ready to go to the Temple at the end of the month. It is such a blessing that we can be sealed together with our families. because while it may seem like a really long time for us now, in the bigger picture our time on Earth is just the snap of a finger, and I want to spend so much more time than that with Danny. And with our family that we're continuing. The challenge now is to get ourselves and to help the rest of our kiddos get to where our little boy is right now. This first year has had some really high peaks and also some really deep lows, but all in all it's been great. And I hope that we have lots more years with lots more peaks than valleys! Just kidding, I know that the trials and the bad times have made us stronger-both individually and also together. But I have to admit, I prefer the good times! :)

A desperate plea for help!

I'm in a bit of a pickle right now. I need to send out a couple of things via snail mail but I just realized I don't have anyone's address but my own! So I'm issuing a request to all Adams family members; past, present and future....I need your addresses-and phone numbers too, just in case I don't already have it! Also, if you have any known sibling/parent info that would be great too. I was going to do this in an email, but outlook is evil and has rejected my every effort. Anyway, if you could send me an email at Mrs.RachelAnderson@gmail.com, it would be greatly appreciated. And no laughing at my address. One, I'm not that creative and couldn't come up with a name that wasn't already taken. And two, I love the fact that I am Mrs. Anderson! As an added bonus, I promise that anyone who helps me to compile my list of contact info will get a copy of the list when I'm done.

Sunday warm fuzzies

Don't you just love when you go to church and come away with a warm, fuzzy happy feeling that follows you through the week? This Sunday youth speakers were featured-no adult speakers, and two musical number-it was AWESOME! The topic that really stuck out to me was personal revelation. Later, in Relief Society, one of the sisters shared a story of her sister-in-law. She wasn't terribly interested in converting, and said that she would whenever the angel Moroni landed on her front lawn and told her to. She never got a visit from Moroni, but she did, little by little get the promptings that told her it was true. And six years later, she was baptized. And it got me thinking, how often do we want the big earth shattering announcement, and not pay as much attention to the still small voice? More importantly I wanted to share with everyone my undying faith that personal revelation is always true. Unfortunately we sometimes misinterpret. Two such examples spring to my mind. Which is why I didn't share. They both have to do with Priesthood blessings which, I know, isn't quite the same as personal revelation, but it's close enough for comparison. Right before I went into court for the custody battle with the jerk for Devon, I got a blessing and I was told "Heavenly Father knows the righteous desires of your heart, and wants Devon to be a part of your new family" At the time, I was feeling pretty confident about the court date and I was sure that I would get full custody, and everything else I asked for. Instead custody was shared, with parenting time 50-50. I got full religious decision making. After Devon passed on, that's one of the reasons that we were able to get approval so easily and quickly to be sealed to him. And now, at the end of the month, he will be forever a part of my new family.The night of the accident, both Devon and Emma got blessings. And they were supposed to be okay. That's what Kami said. Well, it's easy to interpret that one, right? The kids are going to come through all right, and nothing bad will happen, right? Well, they are both okay. They live with Jesus and Heavenly Father. And they get to be where I want to get to. The difference is that they get to go right there, but I have to work really hard to get to be back with Devon again. So they are okay. As I said, the words are never wrong. But some times, we get the meaning mixed up.

Excitement Lurks around every corner

excitement is lurking around every corner right now. In two days, Dan and I and Sara and Justin and Kami and Mom and Nana are all leaving our respective homes to meet up in Provo for Women's Conference! I can't WAIT!!! It also happens to be the one year anniversary of my marriage to Courtenay Daniel Anderson. Can anyone believe that it's been a whole year already. It's flown by so quickly, but in some ways it seems like we've always been together. I can't imagine life without him. Especially considering little Nathan on the way....that could be awkward without Dan around.
I'm on vacation this week, so you would think that I have all the time in the world to clean up my house and pack and prepare for the trip. But instead I've been out with Suzanne picking up stuff for her baby shower.
Which is lurking excitement number two: Suzanne's baby shower is currently scheduled for Friday, May 23rd at 6:30pm. Invitations will be going out as soon as I get addresses, but in the meantime, if you're reading this, consider yourself invited. Now some of you may be jumping up to jot the day down on your calender and thinking to yourselves, "is she CRAZY?!?!?! Doesn't she realize what's happening the very next day?"
That leads us to another bit of excitement just waiting to jump out at me from behind a corner. I've called the Temple, I've set up my interviews, and we're set so far for our sealing to be on May 24th, at 4:00. Again, more formal invites/info will be coming soon-in the mean time, all are invited. So it's basically all set-unless something unforeseen happens in the next week. Tomorrow I have my interview with the Bishop. (when I told my dad, he asked what the bishop's name is. When I told him our bishop is Alan H. Hardy, dad said that he can't do my interview. Because he was always told you had to be interviewed by the Bishop Rick!)
I can't wait. I have been looking forward to being sealed to Danny since we got married. And the very best part is that we will also be sealed with Devon too. Ever since we found that out, it's been literally a weight off our minds. And it makes it seem like there really was a reason for what happened; it wasn't just our lives being crapped on.
But I've found that it also opens doors to missionary opportunities at work. As I explain why I'm requesting two days off during our second busiest week of the year, people are confused and often ask, "aren't you two already married?" So it's a neat chance to talk about the temple, and eternal families, and the different Degrees of Glory. The best part is that since I haven't been through yet, when I talk about the Temple I can't talk about things that shouldn't be discussed-because I don't know them yet! :D
So May is going to be an action-packed adventure thrill ride. Oh yeah, it's also my birthday the day after the sealing. I'm going to be 23. Somehow though everything else seems more exciting.

AFR '08

This past weekend marked the millionth annual Adams Family Reunion campout! Well, maybe not the millionth, but it's beeen going on since before I was born. It all started out with my Dad's grandma Adams, Christine. That's why the campout is when it is, it's around her birthday. And why the raffle started. Originally the raffle's purpose was to help pay for her medical and medicinal expenses.

Well, now that you all know that fun trivia.....the campout was a blast. We got there a lot later than I wanted to, but such is life. Suzanne and Joe had apartment business to conduct Saturday morning, so we had to wait for them. And with me thinking we were heading to Payson, not Globe, well.....we got a little off track. At least we made it in time for the raffle. Sadly however, we just missed the pinata. Not that it's a huge deal, but I was left with 2 bags of candy that I really didn't want. Luckily for me, my very gracious little brother Spencer was willing to scarf down the Starbursts. I was really really lame with my raffle contribution this year. I bought a swiss army knife and put in the panda blanket that Suzanne and I made forever ago. I didn't know at the time, but Dan was apparently pretty attached to the blankie and put tickets (with my name on them) in for it. And I won. Which really startled me. So I made them re-draw and my cousin Megan won it next.

And Saturday night we camped, and I was so worried about being cold. But fortunatly our tent and sleeping bags were cozy warm and snug. Sunday morning we hung out with Grandma, Colt and his wife and son, Tina and her kiddos. And we got tons of cool photo-ops that I can't post right now because I gave Suzanne my camera and I don't know how to get the pictures from Dan's camera to the computer. We got one with Megan, Suzanne and me...the three preggos.

But I have to say the most fun part was tormenting my little brother, with help from Dan. I bought raffle tickets just for him, and he ended up winning the little girl hair bows that Kamarah made! And on Sunday, Spencer was sleeping late in the truck. So I opened the door and stole his sleeping bag. Then Dan picked him up and carried him on his shoulder to the campfire, while Tyler-Colt's son-followed with his shoes. It's fun to torment Spencer. Unfortunatly he's too big for me to take on my own anymore. And Dan ususally doesn't help me pick on him, but anytime Spence got anywhere near my stomach, Dan jumped in to keep the baby safe! : D

All in all, it was a really fun time. We got to see everybody, all of Roy's and my dad's kids were there with their families. And Curtis's boys came out too. That's what I love about the campout...you get to get out of town, and into the fresh air and see everyone together for a fun, relaxing weekend.

It's a sign

I was contemplating what type of salad I should prepare for the campout tomorrow, and I had finally decided on fruit salad since I'm going to stiffle my natural urges to buy chips and candy and cookies. But last night I had the strangest dream. I don't remember any of it really. I just know that I had made a fruit salad for one reason or another and it did not turn out well at all.
So now I'm back to square one with all that. Grr....it was way more fun to go as a kid. I got to watch my mom frantically making something for the raffle at the last possible moment. And Dad came home with the truck fully loaded with yummy food. And all I had to do was lug my bag of clothes out to the truck where Daddy would cheerfully load it up. Now I have to go out and buy the yummy food and plan the menu and make sure we get everything loaded up, and go to the storage place to get the camping stuff our (don't look at me like that..we got the storage in February and I knew we wouldn't be going camping for a while...it'll probably stay at home for the rest of the summer). And I get to be the navigator, even though I'm not quite sure how to get there. I was going to ask Dad for directions, but I forgot to before he left. That's ok though, I knida remember from three years ago which was the last time I had to drive myself. And Danny's used to my very vague and not so good directions. The first part of how to get to Grandma's house is drive up Country Club till it's a highway, then go to Payson and turn right at McDonalds. Oh well, at least it's keeping my mind occupied!

The FLDS

I've been up for over an hour trying to avoid sleep until I'm too tired to dream. And for some strange reason, I've been occupying my time not by looking up the requirements for nursing school-which I'm seriously considering attending-but rather by viewing the recent multitude to articles written about the FLDS organization; esp. in Texas.
It makes me sad to think about all those girls and children. I can't even imagine what it must be like to spend your whole life so conditioned to accecpt things that most of the world consideres to be abusive and disgusting. But how much worse is it for the little children? Think of your own little ones. How must it feel for a little one-year-old boy, or 8 month-old-girl or three year old to be suddenly uprooted from their home and separated from their parents and guardians. And for the older children who have no idea what's going on, they're just scared because they've been forced into the 'evil' outside world. And especially for the young girls who know that by answering questions they could be leading to the destruction of the world that they know. But being torn because they're unhappy with their situation, and in some cases are trying to save younger sisters from sharing their fate. Or even for the young girls who don't see anything wrong with the way they have been brought up and how they live their lives. How would you or I feel if all of a sudden one day a group of people who thought our way of life was wrong gathered us all up, took away our husbands, and separated us from our children in the name of protecting us. My heart really does go out to all the women and children who are hurting from this.
To be quite honest though I don't feel a lot of sympathy for the men. Regardless of what you're taught, you have to-on some level-have the awareness that a 13 year-old girl is more than just breeding stock, and that no child should be forced into intimate adult relationships with men four times their age. If the belief is truly that polygamy is necessary and that as soon as a girl is of child bearing age then she should marry, why the HUGE age discrepency? Why not marry a teenager to a teenager? Or a young adult? Why are little girls being paired up with men almost old enough to be their grandfathers?
Don't get me wrong, I am certainly not one to say either way that polygamy is right or wrong. It is certainly a principal that I would struggle with if it were still in effect. But I honestly think that in the end, there will be some called to practice it. After all, we're promised the fullness of the gospel, aren't we. Well, I don't think that Heavenly Father was just trying it out, and decided, "well, this didn't go as well as I had hoped. What was I thinking?" I think that wether we like it or not, polygamy is a gospel principal, and it was probably discontinued more because we weren't ready for it; not because it's not sound. After all, under the Mosiac Law (correct me if I'm wrong), there were provisions for divorce. Did that mean that Heavenly Father was condoning the practice? NO!! But the people weren't willing or able to live the higher standards.
Forgive my ramblings, and remember that nothing I say or write is Church Doctrine, it's just the musings, and understandings of Rachel Anderson. This is opinion, not fact! Because the last thing I want is to say something crazy that is taken for the 'official Church stand' on an issue or teaching!
Well, with that disclaimer, Good-night

Insomnia

First of all I have to share a funny story that happened to me about ten seconds ago. Apparantly I'm just not quite sure exactly who I am. I was browsing around, from one blog to another. While viewing Kamarah's blog I decided that I wanted to return to my own. Imagine my surprise when pictures of Coree, Bryan, Dane and Ashlee pop up on a bright orange background. That's when I realized that I'm the Anderson cousin, not the Adams cousin anymore!
Well, I'm blogging right now because I'm afraid to go to sleep and I don't feel up to all the tasks I need to get done before the camp out. I still haven't made anything for the raffle, so unless I get my butt in gear one of the already made baby quilts will end up on the table. Along with a potted plant or something equally ridiculous for a raffle that I happen to notice lying around my house. I originally bought some really cute material (back in like December b/c I was thinking ahead) to make aprons out of. Then I decided that aprons are lame. And while I was into counted cross stitch I bought some dishtowels with Aida cloth in a strip at the bottom b/c I found some really cute kitchen patterns in one of my 12 cross stitch books (yeah, that's right, I said 12, wanna make something of it!?! I kid...actually I think I may need professional help!) So, at the moment I don't know what I'm bringing. Which I think is actually better than being prepared because it makes life more interesting.
Tomorrow I get to go camping grocery shopping. Which will be interesting because camping has traditionally been a time for splurging on craptastic junk food all weekend, and I'm buying for two preggos. So instead of sodas and five flavors of chips, I'm thinking about hitting Costco for a huge box of plums, and blueberries, and kiwi fruit. But I have to admit, the chips sound much more tempting.

My sisters

Suzanne: Suzanne is my only truly biological sister. There's four and a half years between us which has lead to some very interesting scenarios over the years. I can remember when I used to be really mean and lock her in the bathroom with the light off and the fan on and tell her the fan was 'ghosts'. Hey, what are big sisters for? As we got older and I got more mature and responsible I was less likely to pin her to the ground and tickle her until she tried to scream when she lost her voice; I grew to the point where I was more likely to sign the permission slip that Mom forgot about, or skip a class and borrow one of my friends' cars to drop off lunch money (usually my own) for her. I was also a less than positive role model for her in that I would also sign detention forms for her, then cover for her after school, and we used to intercept our midterm progress reports so that our parents saw 4 instead of 8 report cards. Though I do have to admit it was helpful having her looking out for them too. A few time I almost missed mine. When Spencer finally started at Rhodes, mom and dad were shocked to see the extras and asked if it was something new! All in all though we have some really funny stories and adventures together and I'm so glad that we've been getting even closer on a more adult level. Now I can talk to her about rent, and jobs, and baby stuff, and parenting-it's more of a friend relationship than a big sister/little sister thing. Now don't get me wrong, she's still my baby sister and anyone who's going to mess with her is going to deal with me! And Dan too b/c he thinks of her as a little sis too, and b/c I like to make him do my dirty work. Suzanne has been through a lot of the same stuff that I have, and I think that she's way stronger than me. She's also been through some stuff that I can't even imagine, and she always comes out on top. She reminds me of myself five years ago. I just hope she comes out of it better and makes better choices than I did back then.

Sara: First off, I want to apologize to Sara for this picture. It does not even come close to capturing the beauty, sassiness, spunk and coolness that is Sara, but all the pics I have of her also include Justin and Jack. Sara is like the cool big sister that I always wanted. We hang out, and gossip, and shop together, and basically do and talk about all the girly stuff that my poor husband would rather shoot himself than do. I really look up to Sara because of how rooted she is. She is an awesome mom who I never see lose it in front of her kids. She has the patience of a saint with her kiddos, and always encourages good choices. She's a fabulous cook and home maker. Anyone can keep house, but it takes a lot of hard work to make it a home! She adores her husband, and anyone can see that the feeling is mutual. And she is so firm in her testimony, and she knows a lot about the church and doctrine. She makes me want to be a better person. Honestly, this Sunday when Dan and I were over watching Conference at the Lines's, at one point Sara was the only person actually paying attention and encouraging everyone else to do the same. That's what I mean about setting an example. The funny thing is that she doesn't even realize how awesome she is. And I think that comes from her mom, because Mom thinks she should do more, or that what she does isn't enough also. Even though if you look at either one it's instantly obvious that she is an awesome lady, and that she is someone worth emulating.

Kami: She's like a fun, kinda goofy sister. Sometimes a sweet, nurturing big sister (the kind I should have been more often-oh well, ghosts were fun too!), and other times the naive little sister you want to protect from the world. The things I love most about Kami are her innocence, her goofiness, and her spirituality. She's the type of person that small children flock to because of how warm and open she is, and also because she reads newberry award winning novels and watches the disney channel. I lost a lot of my innocence very young. I was always in a hurry to grow up. And I see Kami and sometimes envy her that. She is eternally optimistic and will believe the best of anyone and everyone. And to top it off, she has such a quirky sense of humor. Right now she's into goofy cards. For St. Patrick's day the card had a picture of a long line of leprechauns in front of an outhouse, inside the card read "they don't call them the 'wee' people for noting". I laughed for a good solid minute, I still chuckle when I see it. And the cards seem to come at really opportune moments, like when I'm sad, or just having an off day. I think it has to do with her being "Kami the Prophetess" - no blasphemy intended, it's just a nickname. Kami is so very, very , very spiritual and so staunch in her beliefs. She is a shining example in her words, actions, and behaviors of the type of person everyone should strive to be. Sara and I have a tendency to gossip occasionally, very infrequently, but that's something I can't remember ever hearing Kami do. And while I sometimes daydream, or let my mind wander during Sacrament meeting (wow, I'm just letting you all in on all my bad habits today) Kami takes notes so that she doesn't miss anything, and to help her pay better attention to what's being said. The first question she asked when I told her I'm pregnant was "Have you asked Dan for a blessing for the baby and the pregnancy yet?" It is so awesome that that's the first thought she has. How many of us would ask that first? How many would think of it at all? I really miss her a lot since she moved out to Illinois, and I can't wait to see her at Women's Conference.

Cristi: I tried to get everyone by themselves, but I don't have any pics of Cristi without Matt. They are inseparable. You never get one without the other, which I think is really neat in a married couple. Cristi and I go waaay back. All the way to freshman year. Ah, the memories. Like the time that I wanted to dye my hair blue-black and I ended up just being dyed blue. On Valentine's Day. When I had a date. With Dan. And of course, we hadn't planned ahead well enough, so as we're sitting in the bathroom waiting to be able to rinse it out, and trying to figure out how dye got on my leg, Dan is sitting in the living room with my dad listening to ridiculous jokes. I'm glad he still married me. Another time we double dated for the winter dance. I went with Dan (anyone noticing a pattern yet?) and she took a guy named Brendan-I think. We went mini-golfing and she managed to hit both the guys in very sensitive areas (luckily for Nathan there was no lasting damage done : 0 ) with her golf club. As I mentioned how lucky I was that I was the only one she hadn't hit, she clubbed me with the darn thing! :) Ahhhh memories. High school was definitely fun, and way more exciting than it would have been had I not known her. She was in my Seminary class a couple of times, which really made me feel a lot more comfortable. After all, I was the only Catholic in Seminary. And the really cool thing that she and I share that no one else can is this; we graduated from Dobson together, and got to start our adult lives at the same time. How cool is that? I mean, how many sisters get to do that? Other than twins...they don't count. We used to joke about how I had to marry Dan so that she and I could be sisters for real.

Sympathy

I feel like lately I've been so wrapped up in my own issues that I haven't been as sensitive to the needs and pain of others. I know that Sunday was a hard day for people other than myself. I found out that my sister in law Cristi was having a bad day and when she drove by Sara's house and saw our car out front, she said she just knew she couldn't come in. I know that Dan and I could have been more understanding with her. The last time we talked to her was when we told her that we are expecting. I tried to be understanding and break it to her gently since I know how hard it's been for her emotionally because she and Matt haven't been able to have a baby yet. And she was supportive. But she got upset with Dan because of something he said, and she's been hurt and upset with us ever since. He didn't mean to, but he offended her when he asked if they had considered adoption. He wasn't trying to hurt her or anything, but I know that she felt that it was an invasion of her and Matt's privacy. But I honestly have no frame of reference to understand the true depth of her pain. I don't know what it feels like to want a baby of my own and to ache because of the emptiness of my arms. The closest that I can come to relating is wishing so badly for my son to be back home with me. But even though he was taken from me so painfully and so suddenly, at least I got to have him.
It's hard to truly understand the pain of another unless you've experienced it yourself. I know that when I tell stories from my childhood a lot of people who truly love me, and care about me and want to help, have no frame of reference. After all, how can you know what it's like to be told you were an accident and should have been aborted-or to have to be careful of what you wear so that the bruises or welts don't show-if you've never experienced it yourself? I just wish that I could connect with her and figure out how I can be there for her and help her without inadvertently offending her. Cristi was one of my best friends in high school and I'm not sure how or when we drifted so far apart. I do kind of wish that she had stopped in Sunday. After all, helping others takes your mind off your own pain. And service makes you feel better about yourself. I really wish that Cristi had dropped in, it would really have helped take my mind off Devon. And I wish that she felt like she could count on her family to be there for her. I've tried over the years, but not as hard as I could have I know. I just wish that I could find a way to connect with Cristi and help her to see what a sweet person she is, and to help comfort her as she tries to adjust to Heavenly Father's timeline when she wants so badly for things to follow her own. I guess I really just wish that she didn't feel like she had to lash out and isolate herself. I wish she knew how much we all love her.

Bittersweet

Yesterday was the day. It was actually not as hard as I thought. I remembered back to birthdays and birthday parties of the past, and summoned happy memories to banish the bad. Like two years ago when we had his party at a park near our house. Joel didn't reserve the ramada, and it was crazy busy that day, but in the end we did find a grill near a picnic table; we just had to run to walmart and buy a dozen folding chairs while frantically calling our parents asking them to bring chairs too. And Devon and my little cousins had a blast on all the playground equipment and I bought two loaves of day old bread for them to feed the ducks. Unfortunately I don't have any pictures of that because well, they were all in the Corolla and my mom has that now. But it was still fun. And Frank and Kamarah stopped by. At the time I didn't understand why Frank was wearing a suit at 3 o'clock on a Saturday afternoon. Of course I realize now that the first Saturday in April is general conference and he was probably coming from that, or going to Priesthood session.
And last year's party was, interesting to say the least. Dan was there, and Frank, Kamarah and Chloe-that's when I found out that Maelee was on the way-And Mandi even made it. And since it was the day before Easter, Mom had flown out, she was there for my divorce on Monday too. And Sara and Kami and Emma came too. That's actually when my mom and her sisters met Dan again and so graciously acted like stuck up, mean crazy people. Sara told me later that she had never been so universally hated by people who had never met her before. But Devon had fun. He and Emma and Jo-Bob played with the Cars ramp and the bubble machine. He was confused by the fact the "La Gran" was so upset when he went to hang out with Grammy, but in the way of three-year-olds, he shrugged it off as adult craziness and went to play with the kids. Dan and I got him a pinata, and a foam baseball bat to break open the pinata with, and later that night he hit Dan with it too. Needless to say, that did not go over well. But he had fun, and lots of it. So in the end, I guess it doesn't really matter what grown up issues there were because his party was still awesome.
This year would have been a Ninja Turtle theme and might even have been held at jeepers or something so that I wouldn't have had to clean up afterwards. Dan and I probably would have gotten him a little toy guitar so he could practice with daddy, and a tricycle or a little bike with trainers. Probably a little bike. Emma would definitely have been invited, along with any of his friends from 'school' and probably little cousins as well. But we would have had it next weekend b/c of Conference. He still would have gotten a cupcake on his actual birthday though. I don't know exactly what would have happened, or how his little personality would have developed over the past year, but it's fun to imagine sometimes. One thing is for certain though, my mom wouldn't have been invited. Just kidding........kind of

Just a great big bowl of crazy

Danny insists that I post this, even though left to my own devices, I would forget about it and pretend it never happened. He says I have to do it because if he does then he's just being mean to his pregnant wife. Friday night it was getting late, and we had just gotten back from dinner with Sara and Justin. About thirty minutes after we got home, I scarfed the P.F. Chang's that I had brought home. Side note-I LOVE P.F. Chang's, it's AWESOME!! especially the lettuce wraps. Anyway, I was sitting at home, lying in bed next to my sweet husband, fantasizing about....an arby's french dip sub. (and if you thought anything else, shame on you!) I couldn't help it. Never mind that I had just consumed lettuce wraps, a fried dumpling, an order of honey chicken, brown rice, sugar snap peas, and a chocolaty dessert only a few hours earlier. I could not stop thinking about the taste and texture of the Au jus soaked bread with the juice dripping off the meat and imaging the different flavors dancing across my taste buds. I was literally almost salivating at the mere thought of it. But it was too late because Arby's was closed. And here's Dan's favorite part. When I realized that my dreams of french dips was not to be realized I actually shed a tear. And my supportive, wonderful husband looked at me in amazement and asked 'Are you actually crying over a sandwich? It's a sandwich!' Later, I was lying in bed, really sad, and I uttered the most pathetic and ridiculous thing I think I ever said. As Dan was trying to explain that it was not worth getting so upset about, I said "I gave up my chance for happiness for you" And he lost it. He was laughing hysterically for the rest of the night and into the next day. And that wound him up so much that he couldn't get to sleep, and started playing World of Warcraft. That's when I topped off the crazy meter. I marched into the front room and demanded that he log off. What I didn't tell him is that my reason for wanting him off the computer was that I was bitter about the Arby's and felt that since I couldn't have what I wanted, then he shouldn't have his happiness either.

baby's first pics

All he needs ia a blankie!

Just chillin' all stretched out

How cool is this!? I forgot that she had given us a cd in addition to the printed out pictures. So I didn't have to worry about ruining the sonograms to post, or copy or whatever. Dan hates the 3-D color pictures because he doesn't think the baby is that lumpy. But I think it's awesome.

Awesome baby updates

Today I had my fist ultrasound appointment. It is soo amazing how detailed the pictures are. I'll try to get some up soon, but I don't know how to scan them without ruining them. And I'm kind of scared to try. But we were basically in to check and make sure the baby's healthy. It was a screening for down syndrome and a couple of other things. Everything checked out really well in the pictures, now they just have to compare it to the blood they took. That sucked! It was a finger prick, but the first stick didn't have enough blood to fill all the circles completely so she had to do a second one. All I can say is No me gusta! But we did get to see the heart beating, and we heard it this time too. We even saw all four chambers of the heart and the two hemmispheres of the brain. How cool is that!? It's a little early to know the gender quite yet, but it kind of looks like a boy. That's what she said at first, but then from a different angle, it wasn't as clear. So it could go either way, but looking like it's little Nathan on his way. Dan is super psyched about that. He's been saying the whole time that it's a boy, and I've been saying a girl...so he's happy he was right. And it was so super cool watching all the movement. Because he was stretching his arms, and legs and moving around and rolled over at one point. She was having a hard time keeping the probe thingy positioned right to get the measurements she needed!

Devon and Discipline

I remember this one time when Devon was about two and a half. We were staying with my parents. Having left Joel, I did the stereotypical thing and went home. Anyway, my mom and I were talking near her computer in the dining room. Devon walked in, climbed up on the table and got himself an apple. He didn't eat the apple. Instead, he started throwing it. I scolded him, and my mom scolded him, and I told him that nice boys don't play with food. But he just thought it was funny. Finally I told him that if he did it again he would get a spanking. Well, he did it again. And right as I said his name in my menacing mommy tone, Spencer got home from school and walked into the room. Without missing a beat Devon stood up, put on his best indignant look, pointed at Spencer and declared "Him did." I then had to tell him that not only do nice boys not play with food, but they also don't lie. Needless to say, Devon, and not 'him' got the spanking. Poor little guy, he started bawling his little eyes out and ran to me for comfort. Suzanne was less consoling. She did a funny dance around him, pointed at him and said "suckah, suckah you got spanked!" And he instantly quieted down. I don't know if it was in shame for the mocking, or out of confusion, but he quit crying.
Another time, after Devon and I had moved into our apartment, Dan was over. He was taking a nap or something. For some reason he was asleep (on the couch). And Devon was pestering him, and climbing on him, and gabbing to him. Dan was less than half awake and just wanted to sleep, so he said the first thing that came into his not-at-all coherent head "if you don't be quiet I'm going to throw you through a wall" then promptly went back to sleep (I have been instructed that I must ammend this entry since I have gotten tow quotes wrong, and also Dan wants to be sure that everyone knows that he was loking). I was in the kitchen making lunch when Devon runs up to me wailing "him......him.....wall....boo-boo" He then pointed in Dan's direction and pulled my by the arm towards him.
Yet another time, we were all over at Sara and Justin's house. Me and Dan wanted to visit the grown-ups, and Devon was super stoked to see Em-ma. Well, I was vising with Sara in one of the front rooms, when Devon came wailing down the hall crying "him.....him......him" and buried his head in my lap. Behind him came Justin looking bewildered and almost like he was scared I was going to yell at him. Turns out, the kiddos had been playing in the curtains, even though they had both been told several times not to, and Justin told them "no" in a firm voice. It took everything I had to put on my stern mommy face and explain to Devon that Justin was right to tell him no, and that he had been naughty. All the while Devon was sniffling, pointing to Justin and saying "him....sniffle.....sniffle....him"
The hardest part about our shared custody arrangement was that at the beginning of each week Devon was a wild man, totally out of control. And it took most of the week to get him back to normal. So when we went to go see Em-ma toward the beginning of the week, it was a trial. He would take a toy out of her hand, or push her down and he would get sent to time-out. Now for Devon, a spank was nothing. But time-out was a fate worse than death. He would cry and cry and cry and cry. And Emma, more often than not, would go up to him in time-out with a toy or a book or something, give it to him, and sometimes pat his little leg. Like she was saying, "hey, it's okay. This isn't that big a deal, if you want it take it. But cheer up" I have to say, Sara you have one heck of a little girl. And after time-out, they would go back to being best buddies and playing nice. Most of the time. After all, they were toddlers.

Devon and his Daddy

These two trouble makers had soooo much fun together. Actually, one time when I had to take Devon and drop him off with Joel, Devon threw a fit. Now, we had always refered to him as 'your father' when speaking to Devon, but he yelled, "No go, no Joel!" And that is one of Dan's fondest memories. I used to hug Dan and tell Devon, mine. Then he would come over from wherever he was, pull us apart, shower Dan with kisses and hugs and say "mine, my dad." That actually wasn't one of Dan's favorite games, but I thought it was hilarious. Devon actually got so used to seeing Dan that when I put him in the car and left Dan behind, he was confused and asked, "Mom, where Dad, mom....MOM?"
Dan actually introduced Devon to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and hot wheels. Not the cars themselves, but the really cool racetracks. Dan bought all three of the Turtles movies, and they were really the only non-animated movied Devon watched. Then we started getting him Turtle toys. The first movie that he sat through all the way without getting up and running around, or climing on the seats, or crawling back and forth between me and Dan was the newer animated TMNT movie. At one point, Leonardo gets captured by the bad guys. Devon was so upset by this he grabbed my arm and said, "Mom, Leo.....no go Leo" It was so cute. I could hardly keep from laughing as I explained that Leo would be ok.
Devon also had a hot wheels track that was really cool. It was in an oval, and in the middle it did a loop-de-loop. But wait, that's not all! at the loop-de-loop you could shoot cars through the middle of the loop. Devon had soooo much fun with that. It made me crazy, so he had to go to Daddy to get it set up. He could pull the trigger to shoot the cars, but he couldn't reset it to go again. I can't even begin to count the number of hours that Dan and Devon spent watching cars zoom around the track and shooting them through the hoop.
And my favorite story....I wasn't there for. Dan was watching Devon overnight at Sara's house while I was at work. This was a BIG step for us..but they got throught it great. The only thing is that Devon was potty training, and wearing Cars pull ups. Well, Devon and Emma were watching a movie when Sara asked Dan if Devon had tried to potty lately. So Dan asks "hey Little D, do you have to go potty?"
"No"-staring intently at the action on the screen
"Ok" (to Sara) "he doesn't have to go"
"Maybe you should make him try anyway"
"He's watching the movie"
"We can pause it"
"Alright, c'mon buddy, lets go potty"
......
......
......
......
"AWWWW, GROSS......COME ON!!!! I thought you didn't have to go!!"

Devon had had an accident. An explosive accident. And Dan was disgusted beyond belief. And Devon was totally unconcerned. And Sara was amused. And I lauged....hard....when I heard the story.

no more of this nonsense

I have decided that I am done wallowing in saddness. After all, it's a self propelling cycle. The worse I feel, the more I wallow, and the more I wallow the worse I feel. No More!

I decided that I need to do something more positive. So, from here on out, probably till his birthday I'll post fun memories I have with Devon, me and Dan.

In case you can't tell, Devon actually took this picture (upside down) himself. He is about a year and a half right here and he LOVED having pictures taken of himself. He was a natural ham and would pose anytime he saw a camera. Then he would run up and demand to see the picture. If he didn't like the way he looked, he would say "Aww" and run away. Or if he did like it, he would grin his goofy grin, and sometimes even clap. Then he would show you, as if you hadn't seen yet!

One of the first times he and I went out with Dan, just the three of us, was to see Temple Lights. He was about two and three quarters. And by the time we picked up Dan and drove to the Temple, he was out. So there I was trying to hold him, get my purse, grab his diaper bag, make sure his cookies were there, get our coats, and put his hat on him...while he's asleep!..when Dan offered to hold him for me. Just as we were walking out of the parking lot, he stirred, and opened his eyes. I held my arms out for him, but he just burried his head in Dan's shoulder and hugged him, and closed his eyes again. An awesome memory for Dan, but honestly, I almost cried that night. And when we were there, he started running around, and got away from me. He ran out onto the grass and as I was scolding him and telling him to come back, he tripped over a cord and unplugged a string of lights! I was so embarassed to have to go tromping onto the grass and fumble around in the dark looking for where to plug the lights back in while firmly holing onto the hand of a squirming 2-3/4 year old. Dan was cracking up, he thought it was hilarious. Needless to say I was far less amused; I actually gave up eventually and made Dan go plug the lights back in while an elderly couple walked by us and smiled fondly at the scene we made.

a sad poem, written by me

I miss you more and more each day
I can't understand why you went away.
I wish that you could just come home
I feel so sad and all alone.
No matter how many people are by my side
How many have been here since you died?
No one sees my pain so deep
I try not to cry, not one peep.
Since you left, it's not the same
My heart is full not of love, but pain.
It's not that I don't feel love anymore
but the pain is stronger, and I can't ignore
The empty place you used to be
In my arms, my heart, my memories
I still can see your smiling face
I can hear your little voice so sweet
Running around, you lead, I chase
I catch you, tickle you till you laugh,
And hear you say momee
But it's in my dreams now
Because Death took you away from me.
What is sadder?
losing you, or to have never known you at all?