running, but not getting too far

I guess I just need to vent a little bit right now. I'm just getting so sick of Arizona. And the valley. It's always been home to me, and other than the 2 years I spent in Flagstaff, the farthest I have ever lived has been Alma School/Elliot in Chandler to Dobson/University in Mesa. So I've been here literally all my life. My 2 siblings, 5 of my cousins, my son, my niece and I were all born at the same hospital in Phoenix. This has always been my home and I've never been able to even contemplate leaving.
Until now...I'm just sick of it. I made an overly dramatic comment to Danny today and was laughed at for it. Not that I can really blame him...I said that it feels like Arizona is sucking out my soul. In hindsight, it really is a ridiculous thing to say...but that's how I was feeling today. I'm just so tired of living here. And maybe it's just me trying to run away, but I want to get out of here. I'm sick of turning on the radio and hearing about the pool fence give away and how you can nominate someone who needs a new pool fence. Or hearing a firefighter give the drowning statistics and plead with parents to "watch your kids around water." The worst radio ad is the one where the little girl talks about what she wants to be when she grows up. She sounds like a happy little girl, full of life and energy. Then a serious adult voice comes on and says "don't destroy her dreams, watch kids around water." I hate that one the most. It's like saying that parents who have suffered the loss of a child to a pool drowning have somehow deliberately set out to crush their child's dreams and ambitions. I mean, seriously, who comes up with this crap? Or the billboard with a smiling little boy sitting on a pool deck, being checked out by a paramedic with the caption that reads "we got lucky...this time."
And my dad knows that I've been looking into buying a house right now, so when the house on the corner of his cul-de-sac came up for sale, he let me know. It would be really cool to live there, it's just four doors down from his house so Nate could see Grandpa and Uncle Spencer all the time, and I grew up in that cul-de-sac (from age 7 to 18), and the last people who lived there added an RV gate and did some outside renovations that look really really cool. Plus, the inside is pretty nice too. But it has a pool in the backyard. And that's just not something I'm down with right now. I just feel like I need to get away. And I know, I've heard over and over again that after an emotionally traumatic life changing event you shouldn't make any big decisions for at least a year. It's been 15 months now and I still want to get away. The worst part is that I know that by next summer Nate will be at least somewhat mobile. He won't be able to unlock deadbolts or open pool gates like Devon could, but he will be able to get around on his own-at least to some extent. And I don't know that I can actually handle another summer here. I mean, it's bad enough that I see and hear all this crap right now. I just don't want to deal with it when I have a little baby too.
I just don't feel happy here anymore. It's great when I can get out of town, like going to Grandma's house, or visiting Dan's family in Illinois. When we were out in Illinois a couple of weeks ago I felt great. But it was like a weight came down on me as soon as we got off the plane in Phoenix.
Don't get me wrong, there's lots of good things about Phoenix. I know that if I left I would miss my Dad and Spencer. And especially Suzanne and baby Lilly. And I would be really disappointed not to be able to go to the Adams family campout every year. On the other hand, I'm tired of the Talahongva drama too. Mom and I still aren't talking, and I know that Florine would just as soon spit on me as say hello. Patty's cool, but not a really big part of my life. And today when I went to visit Suzanne, Sarah and Monica took off as soon as I got there. I haven't been out to the reservation since the funeral, and I really don't have much desire to. I guess I'm just feeling like there's not a whole lot holding me here anymore. It used to be home, the place I was familiar and comfortable, the place my whole family is, and I would never have dreamed of leaving or going too far away to be able to visit the reservation. I always said that I would never move out of state, or if I did, the farthest I would go would be one of the four corner states. But I want to get away. I don't know if I'm trying to run away, or just to start over.