the title of this post does a good job of describing how I'm feeling lately. A week from yesterday Devon would have been 4 years old. And the anniversary of the accident is just 17 days away. I was reading Sara's blog and she put it really good. She said that it's like losing a limb. Eventually you learn to live without it, and the pain diminishes, but there's no way to replace it. And she's totally right. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm super excited for the new baby on the way, but he or she won't be a replacement for Devon. She or he won't have exactly his little personality, or his little quirks. Each of our new children will have their own, as well it should be. But sometimes it just hurts so bad. I can look at a picture and see us all so happy together, or think back on a time when it didn't hurt so bad. And all of a sudden, the crippling, overpowering reality of the situation hits me. I'm only 22 years old. And for the rest of my life I won't see my little boy. I know that we will get to be a family forever, but it seems like such a long time to wait. I don't remember how many times I've dreamt of holding him in my arms again, and woken up crying to see my arms wrapped around my husband, not my son. And it feels so empty, and it hurts. And it's just not fair! I wonder who he would be if he had grown up. What would he look like right now? Would Cars still be his favorite, or would he have moved on to Ninja Turtles, or Horton. Would he be learning to play bass with his daddy? he used to be so enthralled watching Dan. What would this last Christmas have been like? Would he have been as protective of Jack as he was of Emma? Would they have been buddies? What kind of man would he have been? What kind of student would he have been? Would he have graduated with honors, or just barely made it? What would he have chosen for his career? What kind of wife would he have found? What would he have named his kiddos? there's a song I hear on the radio sometimes that always makes me cry.
"Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face.
I hear you laughin in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone
It ain't fair, you died so young,
Like a story that had just begun
But Death tore the pages all away
God know how I miss you,
All the pain that I've been throgh
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who'd you be today"
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3 comments:
Just remember that there are alot of people here for you and you never have to be alone. The same thing that I told Sara applies, Devon is up there teaching Nathan or Nicole how to be cool just like he was, and Emma is up there adding her two cents!!! Just remember that families ARE forever. It may seem like a long time to wait but it you will be together again in the blink of an eye! Love you!!
Sorry its a sad time for you. I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better. Listening to hymns or spiritually uplifting music might help a little. Also remember that Christ has felt everything we have felt/feel, He knows what you need. Love you Rachel!
I can't see what I'm typing through the tears, so I hope this makes sense. Rachel, you are so amazing. I can't even imagine what you must be going through and what you have gone through. Just remember that he is still learning and growing and watching over you and loving you. He always will. "Death cannot stop true love" even between a mommy and her son. Of course your new baby won't replace Devon, EVER! But maybe having another baby will help you to fill the void of being a mom everyday. You are a terrific mom and one of my most looked up to heroes of all times. LOVE YOU!!!
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