Monday, April 19, 2010

and now I can talk about it

Well, it is now Monday. Yesterday was not as terrible as I feared it would be. It got off to a rocky start and I did NOT want to get my butt up and go to church. I did though, mainly because I hadn't set up a sub to teach our class. Dan and Nate stayed home and I headed off to Primary. I didn't even go to Sacrament meeting, just Primary.
Today is one of those days that makes me so grateful for my calling. The primary kids are great, and I love their sweet Spirit. For me, it's easy to feel the Spirit so very strongly when I'm around the kiddos. And today that was my saving grace. I did fall apart a little and had to dash off to the bathroom during singing time. "How could the Father tell the world of sacrifice, of death? He sent His Son to die for us, and rise with living breath." The sound of a room full of sweet children's voices singing those words really got to me. And when I had composed myself and walked back into the Primary room, Anna took me back into the hall and gave me a hug. And that simple gesture of friendship was enough to help me get through the rest of sharing time. By the time church was over I was feeling so much better and so much stronger. Then Brita sought me out to make sure that I knew that I was in her thoughts today. It was great to feel so loved and so supported today. And it was what I needed.
As I was about to head out, I remembered that I needed to write down a phone number to schedule an appointment to renew my Temple Recommend, and luckily was able to catch brother Haws as he was headed out. He did my interview right then and there. And when he asked me if I have a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I cried. And said yes. Today the Atonement touches me in a very special way. It's not focused on as much, but Christ suffered not only to atone for the sins of mankind, but more importantly, to feel every pain and hurt so that He can empathize and comfort us in our sorrows.
After church Dan and I took Nate out for a fun filled day. We kept really busy and he had a great time. All of a sudden I was struck with the thought that we should take some flowers to the cemetery for Emma. The thought just popped into my head, so I made the suggestion to Dan. We had the hardest time with that. Not just emotionally, though that was rough too. But logistically as well. I had never been there, and Dan hasn't been back since the funeral 3 years ago. So we called mom & dad to get a general idea, but still couldn't find the plot. So we called Justin & Sara. Turns out the marker hasn't been placed yet, but Dan found the general vicinity. There were 2 unmarked plots next to each other. So I pretended that one was for Dev. I didn't realize at the time how difficult it would be for me, not knowing where he was buried. I am glad that we went, and I am glad that things worked out the way they did.
Afterward we took Nate to the park and let him run around for a while. It was an emotionally draining day, but much better than it could have been. Then, this evening while I was sitting at the computer I heard voices outside the door. At first I thought it was Suzanne, but no one came in, and then there was a knock at the door. Imagine my surprise when I opened it to let the Gregg family in. Anna and the kids had walked over with cards and hand drawn pictures for Dan and me. Pictures of our family with 2 little boys playing together. I have pictures and drawings of my family with Dan Nate and I, and I have a beautiful picture that Sidney gave us after the accident of Dan, Devon and I standing outside the Temple. But tonight was the first time I saw a picture with my two boys together. And even now, just thinking about it is bringing tears to my eyes. I can't begin to say how special that was to me. The love and support that has been extended to me today has helped me so much.

Monday, April 5, 2010

today is the day

ok, so it's almost tomorrow. Which means that tomorrow is almost today. And when tomorrow is today it will be the day. And the day is a Tuesday, just like it used to be. And I don't want today to be tomorrow. I don't want it to be the Tuesday day. It still hurts. And it still sucks. And it's year 3. And it's year 6. And it hurts. And it sucks. And I don't like it. And I just want it to be the day after tomorrow. And then the day after the next Day. And then the day after the next Day. But I don't want it to be the day after the next Day because that's the last Day and then it's more days than Days. And it doesn't seem right. This year has been full of Days. The day that the tide turned and someone else officially had more Days. And now the Day that there are more days than Days. When does this stop sucking? Why does it have to suck? Why do these stupid Days keep coming? I wish I could just skip them all