Monday, March 31, 2008

saddness, depression, and pits of despair

the title of this post does a good job of describing how I'm feeling lately. A week from yesterday Devon would have been 4 years old. And the anniversary of the accident is just 17 days away. I was reading Sara's blog and she put it really good. She said that it's like losing a limb. Eventually you learn to live without it, and the pain diminishes, but there's no way to replace it. And she's totally right. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm super excited for the new baby on the way, but he or she won't be a replacement for Devon. She or he won't have exactly his little personality, or his little quirks. Each of our new children will have their own, as well it should be. But sometimes it just hurts so bad. I can look at a picture and see us all so happy together, or think back on a time when it didn't hurt so bad. And all of a sudden, the crippling, overpowering reality of the situation hits me. I'm only 22 years old. And for the rest of my life I won't see my little boy. I know that we will get to be a family forever, but it seems like such a long time to wait. I don't remember how many times I've dreamt of holding him in my arms again, and woken up crying to see my arms wrapped around my husband, not my son. And it feels so empty, and it hurts. And it's just not fair! I wonder who he would be if he had grown up. What would he look like right now? Would Cars still be his favorite, or would he have moved on to Ninja Turtles, or Horton. Would he be learning to play bass with his daddy? he used to be so enthralled watching Dan. What would this last Christmas have been like? Would he have been as protective of Jack as he was of Emma? Would they have been buddies? What kind of man would he have been? What kind of student would he have been? Would he have graduated with honors, or just barely made it? What would he have chosen for his career? What kind of wife would he have found? What would he have named his kiddos? there's a song I hear on the radio sometimes that always makes me cry.
"Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face.
I hear you laughin in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair, you died so young,
Like a story that had just begun
But Death tore the pages all away
God know how I miss you,
All the pain that I've been throgh
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who'd you be today"

Saturday, March 29, 2008

fun, faire, and merry making

Today was an all day date fest for Dan and me. It started out at the Rennisance festival. Fun, food, shows and the occasional gawking at the cool things we had no intention of buying. We saw the Dead Bob show, while slighty vulger at times, overall it was fun. And the jousting this year featured a pirate. We didn't stay for the last joust, but Spencer says that the pirate won the joust to the death. And the pet dragons that sit on your shoulder and move up and down or side to side based on how you turn the know at the end of the cable, anyone know what I'm talking about????.........well, I got one. I bought a $5 styrofoam egg and when it was craked open, it had a voucher for a $35 item. How cool is that?! And Dan and I made a wax hand! I have always wanted to do that, and this time it happened. Dan did the strong man hammer hit and got it past the top line, but didn't quite ring the bell. And we tried the archery, but I wasn't too good at it. Actually I accidentally let go too soon and I decked myself in the face! LOL....but I did way better at the dart throwing. I actually hit a balloon and won a plastic cutlass. Which works out well because in a fit of pregnancy-induced craziness last night I made Dan sit up with me and figure out what the baby will dress up as for Halloween. We decided that if it's Nicole, she'll be a Disney Princess; and if it's Nathan, he'll be a pirate. So the plastic cutlass will work out well if it's Nathan. And if we find out that it's Nicole we can always give the cutlass to Jack. After all, what one-year-old doesn't need a weapon to bludgeon his newborn sibling with?
And you would think that that would be enough to fill the day of any couple. At least you would if you didn't know us Andersons. We went straight from there to see a movie with Rob Garbrick, his sister, and his fiancee. Dan and Rob were super close in high school, and got back in touch lately. They are a really fun couple, and Rob and Dan have some very interesting stories from their youth that they rehashed. The cool thing is that next week they're moving right down the street, so we'll be able to hang out more often. I think that's a good thing for Dan. Rob can be Dan's new 'man mate' when Justin moves. LOL.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

more ramblings

You may think that I've been kind of a slacker lately. And, well... I have been. Last week Dan and I were pretty bummed because we weren't able to make it out to Illinois for Easter. P.J.-my youngest bro-in-law (cooler than my little bro b/c I can still take him out, whereas Spencer can kick my trash now) got his Eagle Scout on Saturday which makes it a double bummer that we couldn't make it. I really wanted to go out b/c seriously, how much of a chance are we going to get this year? There is NO WAY that I'm taking a one (or even two)-month-old on an airplane to visit for Thanksgiving (or Christmas). And we can't really go out too late into the summer b/c I won't be able to fly. Not too keen on a three day car trip 8 months pregnant.
But on the plus side, everyone's coming out for our Sealing this summer. FYI~tentative date is set for May 24..not official, just what we're shooting for. And as long as Sara doesn't mess it up, Mom's coming out when the baby's born. And FYI Sara, you can't "dibs" Mom...if you don't have your baby on time, that not my fault-I mean c'mon, you actually schedule your delivery, I have to wait till baby's good and ready...Besides, you're the slacker who's already a week behind your original due date. And you got Mom for Jack and turn!
So we definitely have a lot...A LOT to look forward to as the months roll by. OOOOHHHHHHH..and we bought a car yesterday. We got a Corolla (like my old car...I mean, my mom's car) and it is AWESOME!!!! So, no more bumming rides off our generous siblings/Daddy...and no more carpooling with a heavy smoker to work, and if I decide that I need to go out at 4:30am, I can do it! I can't believe we went so long without a vehicle.
Anyway, I've decided on a new way to end posts. Since I seem to be obsessed with compiling and collecting interesting quotes, I'll share one (or two) that touch me right now:

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?"

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Me and Dan

What's his name?
Courtenay Daniel Anderson
How long have you been together?
On and off since I was 14; minus the two years he was on his mssion, and the year before that when I went crazy.
How long did you date?

Half of freshman year, a month or two of sophmore year, all junior year, half of senior year, then 6 more months before we got married.
Who eats more?

Who said I love you first?

ummm, I think it was him actually
Who is taller?
He is
Who does the dishes?

Actually, he usually does. Because he's awesome!
Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?

He's supposed to, but more often than not when I get home from work I have to push him over b/c he's sleeping on "my side"
Who pays the bills?

I do
Who mows the lawn?
If we had a lawn to mow, it would be taking out the trash, that's a "MAN" chore
Who is more stubborn?
Definatly me.
Who kissed who first?
He kissed me. In a bowling alley. The first kiss was supposed to be when he took me to see the Temple lights, all romatic-I found out later that he had it all planned out-but it ended up being in a bowling alley.
Who asked out who first?
He did. And I didn't make it easy for the poor guy!
Who proposed?

He did. He made me close my eyes and drove around. Meanwhile his sister had Devon and a key to my apartment. When he finally parked and led me to the spot where he said I could open my eyes, we were standing in front of the reflecting pool at the Temple. He asked me to marry him, and then to do it again for eternity. And all of a sudden Devon came running up dressed in his Sunday Best. Dan dug under Devon's collar and I didn't put two and two together, I just wondered why my son was wearing a strand of pearls. Then Dan took my ring off the pearl strand (borrowed from his other sister, Sara) and told me that he wanted Devon to be a part of the proposal, and he wanted it to be at the Temple because that's what he wanted for us. For the three of us to be a forever family. Needless to say I cried. It was awesome! And this summer it gets to happen!
Who has more siblings? He does.

He has 3 sisters and 2 brothers-and 2 brothers-in-law, whereas I have a mere one of each, neither of whom are married.
Who wears the pants in the family?
I do more often than not...but only because he lets me.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Monday Morning Inspiration....for the Monday that falls in the middle of the week

So far I've been doing ok with this whole weekly thing, but having trouble with the Monday part. Oh well. Here we go again
on your mark, get set, scripture flip
hmm..I got the topical guide...let's try this again
on your mark, get set, scripture flip (again)
1Nephi 19:13
"And as for those who are at Jerusalem, saith the prophet, they shall be scourged by all people, because they crucify the God of Israel, and turn their hearts aside, rejecting signs and wonders, and the power and glory of the God of Israel."
We all know that the people who were at Jerusalem, and who crucified Christ were the Jews. Now think back on all the history lessons you've forgotten from high school. Since the crucifiction, the Jews have been driven out of their ancestral homeland; wandered around Europe; been the vicitms of so much prejudice that a new word was invented for it: anti-sematic; then there was the Holocaust during WWII and even today Jerusalem is dead center in the middle of a great deal of turmoil-both political, and also violent, war-like.
To make this more personal, how do we, in our own lives turn our hearts aside, rejecting signs and wonders? How often do we blame God for the bad things in our lives, and credit good luck for the rest? And when we transgress, every sin we commit, every profane word to exit our lips; every impure thought in our minds; every slanderous and gossipy thing we say; every unkindness; every commandment we break-all of ut adds up. And Christ suffered for all of it. So when we make bad choices, not only we and our loved ones pay, but Christ was crucified and suffered for it. And we can wipe that tally clear through the gift of the Atonement, but if we don't then all that stuff that has been adding up will cause us to be the ones who are scourged and who suffer at the Judgement Day.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The great big heaping bowl of crazy that is me!

The title of this post really gives an accurate description of how I'm feeling these days. What with all the crazy drama in the Talahongva family, and Dan and I getting through our first year of marriage, and coming up on the year anniversary of Devon and Emma's accident, and to top it all off, these lovely pregnancy hormones that make me go from clinically depressed to giddy schoolgirl in under 6 seconds. I have to say though, Dan has been a real trooper through it all. Weather it's apologizing for putting the grapefruit on the wrong side of the fruit bowl and consoling me as I sob. Or maybe reasoning with me and trying to explain that no, there hasn't been anyone moving the walls so that I trip or run into things. Or covering up the mirrors in our room when I cry that my favorite pair of pants don't fit and my mirror images are mocking me. All in all, he's doing great. And when I lounge on the sofa and demand that he talk to and tell the baby how much he loves her (I really think it's a girl), he does it. He actually does it spontaneously at times now that he's gotten over his initial issues of thinking it was weird. He even shows interest the first two of three times I look up what to expect this week and tell him the same thing. Though he does point out that I've told him that three times. I love my husband, and I can't think of a single person I would rather be going through this with.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Can a non-human be considered a mistress?

This is directed at all the WOW wives out there. I have to know, do any other husbands get crazy obsessed with this silly, silly game? I mean, I walk in the door after a long, arduous night at work and give my sweetie a kiss; (naturally he's still up-it used to be because he waited up for me, but now he's blowing up eggs in palm trees and playing with his flying robot chicken) and when he asks me how my day was I make the mistake of answering. Little do I know that marika or jaladin will 'vent' him and that conversation will immediately take precedence over any boring thing I might say. After all, they have to be organized in their attack, otherwise the giant spider will kill them faster than they can rez and they won't get enough points to buy the really cool armor with the eyeballs on it, or the green flaming sword. And without that forget about ever getting a decent 5v team, apparently all the other people playing an online video game at 4am are very judgemental and laugh at people who aren't tiered or seasoned, or decked out, or whatever. And the best part is that you can type something in and the computer will tell you exactly how many hours of your life you have devoted to leveling, and getting your pet trained, and whatnot. Dan is currently declining my request to check out how many hours he's spent. But I know that it's measured in weeks, if not months.
Now I have to admit that I spend a fair amount of time on seemingly worthless pursuits, such as reading my Xanth novels-which are HI-LARIOUS- or blogging, or checking what to expect during this week of pregnancy for the fourth time this week. But I like to think that I can put these things down. I mean, I can quit any time i want to.
I don't know...maybe I'm being too harsh. But I have to admit that at times I am very, very jealous of the computer. Almost to the point where I would rather find him looking at scantily clad women than playing WOW when I see him sitting at the computer. And sometimes at night I have nightmares that he's leaving me for Aeragorn.
(OK, so I may have exaggerated that last part just a little)

Thursday, March 6, 2008

My mom

As most people know by now, Dan and I will be welcoming a new addition to our family this fall. One person who doesn't know is my mom. I guess it just hasn't come up in conversation lately. Mainly because we don't have conversations. I haven't spoken to her since before Christmas-though I did get her a lovely sweater- and haven't had an actual conversation with her since a few days before Dan and I got married last year. Now I know that the mature, responsible, Christ-like thing to do is swallow my own anger/pride, knock on her door and have a face-to-face conversation (again, a feat not attempted since the wedding, though that one wasn't so nice...I did see the back of her head at one of Spencer's football games though) with her and let her know that her grandchild will be born.
However, I struggle to even keep a few resolutions, and this may be out of my Christ-like league. I can foresee a couple possible reactions from her:
1. She will get angry and yell (possibly call me a no so nice word that really wouldn't be appropriate since Dan and I are married, and no money was exchanged). She may call Danny the same loving term of endearment that she bellowed at our wedding, and ask if he's going to strike again.
2. She may decide just like that everything is forgotten, and she loves me, and she wants to be there. And the next time I piss her off, we get another lovely scene. Because in scenario two, the foundation for a relationship is very fragile, it's built on sand, not on a rock. So, a few years down the line when I think we're actually close, I get a few more months crying in a stranger's office as she jots down notes.
3. She says "so?" and slams the door in my face. Which, in spite of everything, is the worst possible case scenario. I guess that no matter what you never give up hope. I guess I just don't want confirmation that my own mother really doesn't give a tiny rat's behind. Actually that possibility scares me the most because the opposite of love is not hate~it's apathy.

You may ask, "Rachel, why are you so preoccupied with this right now? You have months to figure out what you want to do. You're only 8 weeks along, don't you have other things on your mind?"
The answer is: I think I'm supposed to be raising my Christ-like bar. I'm still pretty new to the Church, so I'm still having lots of new experiences. Like this past Sunday when I walked up to the front of the Chapel on a first Sunday of a month. And let me tell you, when I get a prompting that I need to do something that will help me grow, if I don't wanna (which I usually don't-spiritual growth is HARD!) I fight it. The moment we walked into the church building and I realized what day it was, I got a feeling I spent the rest of Sacrament meeting trying to ignore. But in the end, Dan and even the baby got in on the action, and I made the long, long, long walk to the front. And as I was talking about eternal families (a principal that I believe in deeply) I suddenly began to talk about my mom. And how we are lucky because families can be together forever. So death can't stop our relationships. We have eternity to wrinkle out our differences (I'm assuming worthiness here). And I actually brought up my mom and said it may take most of eternity, but I will have the chance to be close with my mom. I didn't even realize that I wanted that. But now I can't get the thought out of my head.
Crazy, huh? Well, I guess I can blame the pregnancy hormones for that!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Resoultions Update

Ouch, I was just re-reading some old posts when I came across this:

1.this year I will...keep in touch better. My goal is to call Grandma Adams at least once a month and my dad, sister, and in-laws at least once a week.
2.This year I will...always have my home clean enough to feel comfortable having people over. Regardless of how late I work, even if it means not being as critical and judging cleanliness so strictly.
3.This year I will...finish reading the Book Of Mormon with Dan. We've been reading since before we got married and at the rate we're going, Our yet unborn sons will be leaving or even coming home from their missions before we're done.
4.This year I will...Read the Sunday school lesson before it's taught. At least once a month.
5.This year I less for myself. I know I don't always need the new dress or shoes or shirt, etc. Even if it is super cute and even if it is on sale.
6.This year I will...continue to tell my husband every day how great he is and show him how much I love him.
7.This year I will late to Sacrament Meeting. I will be there to sing the opening hymn...not just catch the end in the foyer. (or miss it altogether)
8.This year I will not...make jokes at my husband's expense, or repeat anything he wouldn't want said. I didn't even really realize I was doing this until he told me actually. But I want to stop NOW because I want Dan to know that I love and respect him and want him to be comfortable knowing that I'm not embarassing him.
9.This year I will envious of other parnets and their families. Even when I see in the news or in magazines that parents are acting in an unfit manner.

I'm about 50% on 1, doing well on number 2 (now that Suzanne's here, lots more people come over anyway), hmmm, as for #3, I may have to wake Dan up right now and read till he goes to school. (We're still not out of 2nd Nephi). I haven't done 4 once yet, although 5 is going ok, and 6 is in the bag. I wonder if I was being overly ambitious with number 7; that one's not working out too well either. And on 8 I'm actually doing worse now than ever....but that's because Dan says and does more funny things now that I'm pregnant (like the whole 'fat with child' thing). But I do think that I've come a long way with number 9. Even though it still seems unfair that some people get to have their kids with them when they don't seem to appreciate them, I don't find myself crying in Ikea anymore, or yelling at magazines, or even aching when I see a child. I can see a family together and feel happiness for them that they get to be together, and don't begrudge others their happiness because of what's happened to me.
Wow, that's only 5 of 9 that I'm doing anything with. And 3 that I've made zero progress on. Well, I have almost another 10 months to go, so I guess I'll just have to step it up!

Monday-ish Morning Inspiration

Technically it isn't a Monday Morning Inspiration because it's 3:30am Tuesday. I was going to post yesterday, but I have a very good reason for not doing so. My scriptures were in my hady dandy scripture case that Sara made me for Christmas and they were waaaaayyy across the room and I didn't want to get up. Ok, so it's more of a lame reason, but better late than never.
On your mark, get set, scriputure flip~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
1Corinthians 1:19
"For it is written, I will destroy the wisom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent."
Any knowlede that we have comes from God. And all truth comes from God. So if we try to gain wisdom without the knowlege/help from God, we're not going to get far. And our understanding, if built on a shaky premise will all come tumbling down. In the end, man's logic is nothing compared to the knowledge of God.

Monday, March 3, 2008

What smart women my cousins married

You guessed it. I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Danny and I are so so so very excited. And the funny thing about it is that we found out just a few days after I posted about how I wasn't pregnant, but everyone kept asking. Though I do have to admit to feeling quite a bit of pity for Dan. After all, Suzanne is staying with us right now, and Sara (his sister) is just two weeks further along than I am, so he's surrounded on all sides. He cracks me up because every time Suzanne thinks something sounds tasty, no matter how normal and not craving-y it is, he turns to me and asks if I want it too. Anyway I'm not too terribly far along, just under 2 months, so I've got lots and lots of time to do updates. Not like with Devon where I didn't tell till 2 months before he was born!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

pictures of hacienda del adams

Here are the pictures I was trying to put into a slideshow. Obviously it didn't work, but determination and perseverance paid off, and I got them here anyway. Seriously though, I started this two hours ago so I'm not too worried that the pictres are in reverse order of how I wanted them. Just go to the bottom and work your way up. I'm sleepy now and I have a Temple prep class in the morning. Good night!

Hacienda del Adams

we just got back into town and this weekends was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We went up to Grandma's Friday after Spencer got out of school and listened to Flogging Molly while watching the Princess Bride on the portable DVD player. An interesting combination to say the least. When we made it Grandma's she had a delicious chicken noodle soup for us with homemade rolls that Leslie helped to make. The girls were so excited to see us, and I have to say, the feeling was mutual. Tina told me that Conner had been saying all day "Rachel is coming" He is such a cute little kiddo. I look at him sometimes and imagine what Devon would be like. They were only 5 months apart. But at the same time Connor is defiantly his own little person. Over dinner we were regaled with tales of the exploits of Mikaila and Leslie, and we found out there's a mean boy on their bus who they endearingly call the Kraken.
We woke up super early this morning. Well, I guess 9am isn't super early to most people, but it is when you work nights. And I was super impressed when I saw Grandma making toast. In the oven! How cool is that??? But unfortunately I forgot that I had brought my camera, so no pics of Grandma and the girls, and Tina and Connor
The secondary objective of our trip was to visit my dad's ranch. only Spencer had ever been, and Suzanne didn't even believe it existed. To get there, we had to go on a road that runs through a usually dry wash. There's a bridge to the side, but it was closed when we got there. Dad, not being one to back down from a challenge, bravely drove his jeep up to the raging river.

And, yes, that is my daredevil husband in the back, standing up. I on the other hand, cried to my dad "Daddy I don't want to get wet. I don't want to get wet. Daddy no, I don't want to get wet!" So I got out and started snapping pictures.

While Dad was willing to brave the river, and my daredevil husband was having the time of his life, the poor Jeep wanted nothing to do with its people's nonsense. As he pulled up to the water, the Jeep died on him. And Dad tried starting it three more times. But the Jeep wanted nothing to do with it. "no, I won't go. You can't make me. I'm staying right here!" Then dad said, "OK, fine we're going back. you just need to start up so I can back you up and we can go."

" lied to me!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Well, it's too late to go back now"

Ok, I'm getting too lazy to keep doing a picture by picture replay so I'm going to try to get a slideshow going here. I'll be right back.

Ok, I don't know if this will work or not, but oh well. I tried. The pictures of the Jeep tire are from when Suzanne and Joe took it out and ran over a sharp pointy rock. At first, Dad said we didnt' have a jack. So Dan was plotting and scheming and trying to figure out a way to change a tire without a jack. He had an ingenious plan worked out, and as he started to explain it to Dad, he laughed and said we did have a jack. So we took the easy way out and Dan didn't get to try his schemes. Anyway, we had a ton of fun, and got to visit the ranch and just had fun all day. It was great!